I sit here at the computer not knowing exactly what I am going to write about right now, yet feeling the need to do so. It has been a difficult week so far, it feels like so much has changed. I am debating within myself about how personal to get right now. To bear my soul or to not bear my soul, that is the question. I think my strategy is going to be just to type whatever I need to express and then determine after whether to share it, so this is going to be pretty raw.
My husband and I were due to have our first baby on November 8..tomorrow! Unfortunately we found out at 20 weeks that our baby’s heart was not beating. I anticipated this being a hard week considering that had things not happened the way they did we could have or almost have our first child in our arms. Yet there was something that brought joy to what was going to be a hard week, I was pregnant again. On Friday November 2, at 9 weeks and 2 days, we had an ultrasound and saw our little baby floating around my uterus like an astronaut and kicking its little legs. On Sunday November 4 we were in the ER due to massive bleeding, and found out that we lost the baby.
I won’t go into all the emotions that I have had over the last few days, that would make this the longest blog in human history, but I will say that my heart has ached and I just don’t understand. After losing our first baby, though my heart was broken, I felt God’s peace like it was a warm blanket covering and comforting me. This time, I just had hurt and anger. Yet, as He always does, God has met me where I am at. I still don’t understand, but I know that He is real and He is good. Trust me, I have had my fighting words with Him, but in the end there is just surrender. I would rather be surrendered than bitter anyway. It is a work that only He can do in us.
On top of all this was the presidential election. I must confess to extreme disappointment in the results. I am not an extremely political person. I do not think one particular president will be the “savior” of this nation. I trust in the sovereignty of our God. All that said, I see some danger in the direction our country is going. I will be praying for our president. Again, I would rather be surrendered (to the Lord) than bitter. I know that what I am about to say is going to make some people angry, that is not my goal. I am just expressing an honest concern. After losing two babies (one at almost 20 weeks and the other at 9 1/2 weeks) my heart breaks even more at the thought of other women intentionally aborting their babies. I know pro-choice is considered by many to equal freedom for women, but I think it is exactly the opposite. Whether a women desires to be a mother or fears it; whether a woman is in the best of circumstances or struggling; whether a women believes in God or not, I pray that other solutions be sought other than abortion.
I have so much more I could say, but I will end this blog here. My faith has been challenged, my heart has been broken, and my concern for our country has been heightened, but ultimately I have found through all this to call out to my Sovereign, and yes, loving God who is secure and understanding enough to let me wrestle with Him, but also caring and powerful enough to not let me stay mad and to actually enable me to find comfort in the fact that He tells us,
““For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
“As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts. Isaiah 55:8-9
His ways are Higher. I don’t believe that merely because I need comfort, I believe that because it is true. I pray that if you have suffered any kind of loss, or are disappointed in choices that are being made, that you will take it honestly before the Lord, pour your heart out to Him, He can take it, and that as you do He will respond.